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War of the Genders

A confrontational soapbox for rants and politically incorrect manifestos regarding feminism, chauvinism, dating and gender issues.

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Location: Jerusalem, Israel

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Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Freak Performance

In other news, scientists have come up with a simple risk-free surgical alteration that increases the average time it takes men to orgasm to several hours. Dr. Phil Atio commented: "We discovered that a minor 'glitch' in our genitalia was holding us back from levels of enjoyment we only dreamed about until now. Coitus can now not only be prolonged, the level of enjoyment has also risen in quality due to this breakthrough procedure. This should also quell any future complaints from the opposite sex regarding performance in bed."

The previously recorded average time it takes a man to orgasm during coitus is 2-4 minutes, whereas for women it's 5-20 minutes. Naturalists have argued that this is due to nature demanding fast and safe coitus, slow encounters being more prone to failures, interruptions and vulnerability to dangers. There was not much men could do about this except train in psychologically gruelling exercises of restraint, control and distraction techniques. It has also been proven from an evolutionary point of view that women retain more sperm if they orgasm during or after a man's ejaculation (as opposed to before). Evidently, a woman's orgasm is not high on Mother Nature's priorities.

Defying nature, thousands of men flocked to the clinic in New Jersey to experience this medically approved procedure, and clinics with newly trained experts have been opening all over the country during the last few months. We tracked down several of these enhanced men and found out that all is not as utopian as it seems:

Some men, like Mark Kohnelingos in San Francisco, seem overjoyed and boastful that they were consistently able to satisfy their partners beyond their expectations. Others have started to grumble and have formed a web site to share experiences and warn men before taking the plunge. They cited lack of interest in their partners to sustain their activity in bed long enough to reach ultimate satisfaction.

"The trouble is, women get tired faster than men, especially after they have attained a handful of orgasms. I've had women suddenly stop and roll over after their third orgasm, claiming exhaustion, soreness and that they 'have had enough' when I was barely starting to build towards my maximum peak of enjoyment" says Ahmed Naeev from New York. Their web site www.NiceWomenStopLast.com offers advice to women on exercises that may prolong their endurance and tips on how to please their new supermen and improve their performance in bed, but there don't seem to be any takers.

"Sure it's fun to be able to keep going for so long and it's not all about the orgasm", says John Blubals from Washington, "but why can't women put in that extra effort to make us happy?". His friend David Waining complained that "...women get what they want then get tired and fall asleep on us". Other men complained that it's now virtually impossible for them to have children.

Marriage Counselor Betty Hipkritt remarked that these men should stop emphasizing their orgasm and focus on the mutual foreplay, enjoyment and eroticism of making love to their wives, and that it would be unreasonable to demand a performance from women that is incompatible with their natural abilities.

Recently, a small group of protesters is growing in front of the New Jersey clinic, demanding its money back and warning men away from this one-way ticket to unfulfillment.

5 Comments:

Anonymous alan said...

Greetz to Mark, Phil, John and Achmed ;-) and forget about Mary ...

Did you ever consider that baron sounds quite like barren? ;-)) ...

It's all about soundprocessing!

November 09, 2005 1:05 am  
Blogger jan@theviewfromher said...

Oh my goodness...the irony! This was hilarious. Here's the point: men take "2-4 minutes, whereas for women it's 5-20 minutes." For the last million years or so, who's been more frequently left unsatisfied? But all of a sudden, [another] new drug arrives to improve sex [for men], and suddenly women are "insensitive" to their needs. I especially love the part where women roll over and go to sleep. You've just got to appreciate the irony of that. :-)

November 12, 2005 8:55 am  
Blogger Baron said...

Actually this post was a satire that came from my imagination.

My goal was to imagine what it would be like if the roles for sexual performance were reversed and what would be a likely scenario and realistic outcome.

I thought the people's names were dead give-aways but I guess not.

November 13, 2005 6:21 am  
Blogger jan@theviewfromher said...

Well done!!! An excellent bit of satire and well-written. I was completely taken in...my own fault for skimming I suppose, and not taking note of names. It just shows how accurately you captured the female perspective.

November 14, 2005 2:07 am  
Blogger TestSubjectXP said...

Your imagination is frighteningly believable.

November 14, 2005 5:20 am  

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