Nothing is Wrong
It's a commonly heard rant that women expect men to be mind-readers.
They put up detailed and layered façades, pretending all is OK, but in truth, they are deeply disturbed by things. They say things like 'I want us to get along' when they really mean 'hug me'. They even say 'let's go out to dinner' when they mean 'help me'. They will rationalize even to themselves that unsatisfactory relationships are healthy. They say 'go away' but inside they are hoping we'll fight to keep them. They get upset that you forgot to do the shopping when they are really upset that you didn't talk to them last night. They drop obscure hints and beat about the bush, thinking they communicated the problem with neon lights.
And why do they do this? Perhaps because women are full of needs but are ashamed of them. To admit a need is to admit a weakness, an imperfection. Perhaps, in addition, society has taught women that they must be tough and independent, like men. So modern women want to be helped and supported but to behave consistently is to humiliate themselves. Most women also hope men will make the first moves so that they will not be seen as initiators of questionable behaviour. Feminists say a woman must be twice as good as men to succeed, but perhaps it is simply that they must constrain twice as much of their being.
I don't look down on needs. In fact, when needs are healthy they bring people closer and improve character. Without needs there can be no giving, no love. Most healthy men enjoy giving and feel proud when they make their girl smile and I am no exception. I'm not looking for a superficial relationship.
Of course there is also the other extreme: Women that think every neurotic need of theirs is a relationship-breaker and women that are always demanding attention. But let's ignore this species for now.
When you say 'go away', don't be surprised when I do exactly that. When you say everything is fine and put up a logical, worked-out rational argument of bravado as to why you don't need special attention, don't expect me to reach out. When my instincts scream that something is inconsistent despite all attempts at communication, I will withdraw to think things through for myself. When I'm lied to day after day even when I make direct inquiries, it does not make me want to get closer.
I'll make you a deal: I won't expect you to look like Jennifer Connelly if you don't expect me to be a psychic Superman rubber-band that keeps bouncing back no matter what you do. I'll try to read your mind when you try to share it. I'll understand your needs when you admit to yourself to having them.
They put up detailed and layered façades, pretending all is OK, but in truth, they are deeply disturbed by things. They say things like 'I want us to get along' when they really mean 'hug me'. They even say 'let's go out to dinner' when they mean 'help me'. They will rationalize even to themselves that unsatisfactory relationships are healthy. They say 'go away' but inside they are hoping we'll fight to keep them. They get upset that you forgot to do the shopping when they are really upset that you didn't talk to them last night. They drop obscure hints and beat about the bush, thinking they communicated the problem with neon lights.
And why do they do this? Perhaps because women are full of needs but are ashamed of them. To admit a need is to admit a weakness, an imperfection. Perhaps, in addition, society has taught women that they must be tough and independent, like men. So modern women want to be helped and supported but to behave consistently is to humiliate themselves. Most women also hope men will make the first moves so that they will not be seen as initiators of questionable behaviour. Feminists say a woman must be twice as good as men to succeed, but perhaps it is simply that they must constrain twice as much of their being.
I don't look down on needs. In fact, when needs are healthy they bring people closer and improve character. Without needs there can be no giving, no love. Most healthy men enjoy giving and feel proud when they make their girl smile and I am no exception. I'm not looking for a superficial relationship.
Of course there is also the other extreme: Women that think every neurotic need of theirs is a relationship-breaker and women that are always demanding attention. But let's ignore this species for now.
When you say 'go away', don't be surprised when I do exactly that. When you say everything is fine and put up a logical, worked-out rational argument of bravado as to why you don't need special attention, don't expect me to reach out. When my instincts scream that something is inconsistent despite all attempts at communication, I will withdraw to think things through for myself. When I'm lied to day after day even when I make direct inquiries, it does not make me want to get closer.
I'll make you a deal: I won't expect you to look like Jennifer Connelly if you don't expect me to be a psychic Superman rubber-band that keeps bouncing back no matter what you do. I'll try to read your mind when you try to share it. I'll understand your needs when you admit to yourself to having them.
posted by Baron | 2:36 pm
10 Comments:
I need to be on friendly terms with you. I need to reclaim our past. I need to share certain information with you, and the occasional joke. I need your feedback. I need your advice. I need your perspective. I even need your approval sometimes. I need you to be gentle to me.
I have fallen to this type of lie in the past. I would say that I probably will again. I don't do it to expect you to read my mind, but to put you off until I know my own. I know that what I say will be done (I have learned this), and expect you too. If I say "all is well", then I might just need a little time. Course, I guess I could just say, "I need to think about this to trully understand my thoughts and feelings", huh?
To peacefulwoman:
I can understand not having a worked out answer to 'what's wrong'. But like you said, I don't understand the answer 'I can handle it' or 'nothing's wrong' when something obviously is and all my instincts tell me they're lying.
Ignoring the fact that they're lying to a direct question, and the implicit insult that I'm too dumb or insensitive to realize I'm being lied to, the part that really bothers me is that later they hold it against me that I didn't fix the problem somehow or reach out to them.
In other words the mind-reading part often comes later. Perhaps when some women lie they don't realize it, or they have other reasons for lying. But later they always hold a grudge.
Obviously this isn't a general rule and there are all kinds of variations, but I needed to rant about this specific and common infliction.
Thanks for your viewpoint.
I agree that the lying is wrong. And, it is something that I am working on. I think it is a type of lie that gets told in all areas. No one wants to admit confusion or weakness. Even with someone we trust, it can be hard. I am learning to say things like "I am not sure, I need to think about it". Or simply asking for some time. Your post made me even more aware of my behavior.
Lying, even to save face, is wrong. It is a habit that is hard to break. Be patient with us. Soon, communication will improve.
Don't forget he may also be able to help in working out what it is.
Also, my father correctly pointed out that one could construe from my post that I was hoping women would be direct about making demands or communicating their needs. There is actually a charm and even a character-building benefit when women make you figure out what they need over time in a natural way. This is important for the man to do in order to get him out of his closed box and improve the relationship.
In this case, there is no issue that women are ashamed of needs or are bad at communication, and it can even be said that it is natural.
But I was talking about a more extreme case where women deny and actively work to hide the things that are bothering them. Dropping subtle hints is one thing, playing dishonest games that confuse and distance their man is another.
And, obviously, this only applies to very close relationships (e.g. marriage). With friendly or superficial inter-gender relationships, dropping subtle hints is not going to work. Yet another reason why women and men can't be just friends...
I think women and men *can* be just friends. I simply don't understand why any heterosexual person would want that. A relationship without sex in some form between a man and a woman is too flawed to work well.
why do you think it is that with those friendly or superficial relationships that a woman needs to be more straight forward?
Because if a man is going to learn her language, needs, body language, subtle hints etc. in order to avoid communication problems he will need more intimacy, time together and devotion than he is ready to invest into this kind of relationship.
In other words, if she is going to behave 'naturally' and communicate relationship issues using 'subtle hints', then he is not going to pick up on them because they just don't have that kind of relationship.
Either that or they will grow closer until it's not exactly a 'platonic' relationship.
This will become even worse if she lies and confuses him. And this is for a friendly relationship. With a superficial relationship, he is going to disappear at the first sign of complication before you can say 'breakfast'.
Unfortunately, I believe you are right. This is most possibly why we find ourselves craving intimacy.
I find it interesting that more and more studies and surveys keep coming up with the same fact that women are "compulsive liars".
MGTOW, "Men going their own way", would be a better response to this digusting treatment by women.
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