Written by Jack Kammer ©2002, used by permission.
A perfectly valid word for an exchange of thoughts and feelings is "intercourse." There's a good reason for this. For every complaint that women have about how we try to get sex from them, we can make a similar point about how women try to get emotion from us.
- Don't just snap your fingers and say, "Open up."
- Though you may feel a strong urge to "do it," men are different. Intercourse does not always have to be in and out, back and forth. Men value and enjoy non-verbal intercourse, like being understood and accepted for what they are, not what they say.
- You can't force intercourse and expect your man to enjoy it. You might force him to fake an understanding just to get it over with.
- Men will not hop into emotional intimacy with just anyone. Men know that women are always ready to get into somebody's head. You must convince him that he is not just another piece of mind.
- You should let him be on top sometimes. Men are tired of being in the inferior position, especially in hot and passionate intercourse.
- Don't perform tricks that make him feel inadequate. Remember that you have been raised with more skill in intercourse than he has.
- Men were taught that only women are supposed to enjoy intercourse. Help him not to feel guilty and weird for doing it.
- Let him take control sometimes. Don't insist on controlling whose needs must be met when.
- Don't talk and tell. Don't get him to "put out" and then rush to your women friends with the intimate details.
- If your thrusting and probing hurts him, stop immediately. Don't assume that he'll start to like it just because you do.
- Allow him to initiate. Don't hit on him with so many requests for intercourse that he never feels the urge to start intercourse at his own pace, according to his own needs.
- Men are often shy and insecure about their flaws and blemishes, about whether you will find them attractive. Don't expect your man to show you everything right away.
- Remember that good intercourse is not a wrestling match. There should be no winner and no loser.
- Respect your lover as an equal partner. You don't own him; he does not exist for the sole purpose of providing your pleasure.
- If you have ever abused him during intercourse, understand that it may take a long, long time for your man to open up to you again.
- Keep in mind that men's and women's rhythms are different. Don't get angry if his needs don't coincide with yours.
- If you simply want to release tension, let him know. Don't pretend that you're doing it for him. Men often resist intercourse if they feel pressured about "getting into it."
- There is no such thing as the ideal lover. Don't try to make your partner into something he isn't. Accept your man as he is.
- Foreplay is essential; gentle stroking of the ego can help. If you encounter a ravenous ego, remember it is ravenous not because it gets too much healthy attention, but because it gets too little.
- Don't get hung up on achieving simultaneous understanding. Men's understandings take longer, but they are usually more intense.
- Respect him in the morning.